You can dangle for awhile, I guess

So… what exactly are people supposed to do when the get to the end of their ropes? The reason I ask is that it seems like either this hardly ever happens. Or perhaps it happens a lot, but dealing with it is such common knowledge that nobody ever mentions it. I guess that maybe you’re supposed to talk about it with someone? Is that something normal people do? Who exactly are they talking to?

I have precisely one friend in this world, and I’m pretty sure that A) he can’t help me, and B) he’d stop calling me if I ever got to be too much of a downer. I can’t let him see me like this. What about my family? I can’t see that going well. I am the crutch that they lean on. I could tell them how miserable I am, but all that would do is worry them. “Oh my, how horrible for you — now, please listen to all of my problems, and also please keep feeding us money forever and ever.”

I have no one to talk about this stuff with but myself, and I am hardly a reliable person. But I am all I have left.

Maybe I should quit my job that I’m failing at, and that I hate?

“But what if you can’t get another one that pays as well? Who will pay the mortgage?”

Or… maybe I should take some time off to sort some things out?

“You get 40 hours off a year. You’d need to take an unpaid leave of absence. Who will pay the mortgage while you do that?”

Perhaps I should see a therapist?

“You get home from work at eight o’clock at night, and you have to get out of bed at four in the morning. When were you planning on going?”

Um…

“Also, wouldn’t a therapist either mostly be interested in billing your insurance for as long as possible, or trying to get you back to work as fast as they can? What’s in it for you, exactly?”

Hm.

“Besides, in the end you either end up with another job that you hate because all jobs are lousy, or you end up with no job and lose everything, and get to experience a level of desperation and suffering that you’ve never even dreamed of.”

Hmmmm….

Well I guess I’ll just do nothing then.

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You can dangle for awhile, I guess

5 thoughts on “You can dangle for awhile, I guess

  1. jenfullmoon says:

    Honestly? You dangle.

    I can say with regards to therapy that my shrink lets me pay about half of her usual fee (out of pocket, as my health insurance isn’t great for mental health issues–shrink also says taking insurance money and doing the billing is horrible anyway) and do phone appointments during lunch. So sometimes finding a shrink isn’t quite as bad as it sounds.

    But other than that….yeah, I hear ya. You have to be very careful about overwhelming your friends with your drama (plus my married/out of town/out of state/out of country friends i have to way lower standards for with regards to communication), finding another job seems next to impossible, families suck you dry, etc.

    I can put up with anything horrible indefinitely, though, so there’s that.

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    1. Sorry for being so grim with this one; it was definitely one of those days. I’ll think about what you said regarding therapy for sure, though. I have trust issues regarding the mental health establishment, but I’ve got to do something eventually.

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  2. amy says:

    I’m always happy to listen to you. (I was going to say “I’m always happy to hear how miserable you are” but that didn’t sound right at all. I don’t want you to be miserable, but can usually relate to the internal experience, even if the details of our external ones are different. Happy people make me somewhat nauseated. On the plus side, you can complain to me and we’re good. On the down side, if things start to improve for you, well, that’s not something you want to start feeling like you need to avoid in some twisted way. Then again, if things start improving, there’ll probably be more people you can talk to. I am *clearly!* not a therapist. I’m just out here, but you know that.

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    1. I really do appreciate it :)

      I just feel a little bad dumping stuff like this on people. But I think that maybe part of my problem (and one of the reasons I started writing, ultimately) is because I am never myself around people face to face. (A long time ago one of my co-workers said something to the effect of, “One day I am going to figure out your deal.”) So… more venting from me probably, but I promise to not get too carried away with it!

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      1. amy says:

        I don’t think of it as dumping – it’s a part of life, and a part with some substance. Not a chore to listen to. The stuff I find intolerable is enduring people who are constantly perky and overly-cheerful. I think my first comment was darker than it needed to be though: I’m really pretty confident that you have so much depth that it’d still be good to talk to you even if you were happier. (This is a high compliment that I don’t give out to too many people, just so you know.)

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