A job that I would be good at

If someone asked me to decorate their living room, I’d know exactly what to do. Not because I have any training in interior design, decorating, or feng sui, or anything. My qualification comes from the fact that I’ve been alive a very long time, and I have spent much of that time in various offices, public buildings, shopping malls, and so on. Wherever people spend a lot of downtime, I have been there. So, I think I know what I’m talking about.

The first thing I’d do in the redecorating process, is I would get rid of all of the couches, easy chairs, loveseats, stools, and ottomans. Then, I would fill the room up with stairs. Because, in my experience, it doesn’t matter what seating arrangements a space has available, any and all pieces of furniture dedicated to sitting are always ignored in favor of the steps of a staircase. I have witnessed grown men and women sprint past designated office “casual areas,” stocked with sofas and beanbags, in order to plant their butts on the staircase. I have seen malls full of benches and bench/planter box hybrid seating, all unoccupied, while young people with no money to spend congregate on the steps leading from one floor to the next.

The truth is this: the step of a staircase is the preferred sitting-device of every human being. That is why I, if you let me, and by that I mean pay me, will fill your house up with stairs (and sell your old furniture to a guy I know). Think of it: people will want to come over to your place all the time, because they will feel a subconscious attraction to all of the stairs you have set up everywhere. They will have an unshakable, happy feeling when they recall all of the times they’ve hung out at your place, and they won’t even know why, because people are idiots (I mean, they haven’t even noticed that you’ve replaced all of your furniture with stairs, I mean, come on.)

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A job that I would be good at

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