I’m just going to come right out and say it: I hate Christmas. I have a very simple reason for this. It is because nothing about it is good, and everything about it is bad.

I’m serious. Name one good thing about Christmas?

Businesses need it? Well, I may not be an arch-capitalist, but here is one instance where I feel that it’s a fully justified position. I mean, capitalists in this country sure seem to love the holiday season, and their religion is largely responsible for its existence, but why do they love it? Why do they celebrate the cultural blackmail that forces us to prop up unfit businesses that are apparently untenable the other eleven months out of the year? Aw, your business can’t survive without a year-end paroxysm of short-sighted spending and gigantic ballooning of consumer debt? Well, maybe it shouldn’t then.

Christmas is a time for family. Which is bad. That’s a definite tick for the negative column. Why in god’s name would I want to spend even one second with my family? I come from a nasty, ugly group of hyper-religous bigots, and I resent the idea that the Christmas season is any sort of reason to pay them a visit for an extended period of time. I’m sure they’d be happy to be rid of me entirely, if it weren’t for the guilt-ridden inertial pull of “tradition,” as well. At this point, the only reason I’m even halfway willing to go through with family gatherings is so I can look these assholes in the eyes and dare them to say that shit to my face.

Oh, I’m sorry — are you one of those people with one of those loving families that build each other up and accept each others differences, instead of one of the normal ones who mostly talk about you behind your back while also trying to bleed you dry? Well fuck you, buddy. You can have a “nice” time with your “nice” folks any month of the goddamn year on your fucking own. Don’t force the rest of us back into the dung piles from which we emerged, just when we’ve almost finished flicking the last of the maggots off us. Shame! Shame on you!

But really, Christmas is for the kids, isn’t it? Why? Why would you want to put them through that? I was a kid once you know, I remember how it is. I mean, getting a present is great — for your parents, who then get to remind you how much it personally cost them, and how they suffered and sacrificed to get it for you for the rest of the year. And then there’s the knock-down, drag-out fight that inevitably results from the fact that both of them are home at the same time for an entire day, and let’s face it, they just don’t get along. But neither of them can head out to a bar or go golfing or something, like they would on a weekend, because all that shit is closed, or the course is underwater. So instead they fight like two scorpions in a festive holiday jar.

Which is great for kids!

Also, lying to them about Santa Claus is pretty fucking bad. Gets ’em ready to realize that you’re pulling the same shit with God, eventually. Which is a terrible, terrible thing, because God really does exist and, as we all know, He is a maniacal monster who relishes our suffering.

So in conclusion, fuck Christmas, and I hope the cult of Mithras takes the day back and gives us a real holiday to celebrate.


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